Dumped... As a Friend (Story)[long]

“Then he was saying he dumped you as a friend, so now he’s a loner. So I told him he couldn’t have dumped you because you must have dumped him for who in their right mind would dump you,” Alyssa or Aly, as I called her, explained me as we walked down the road, licking our ice creams.
“Eleh, you would know meh whether or not I was dumped before?” I said in a teasing voice. It was a sunny, warm day with faint whispers of breeze visiting us every now and again. The sun was beginning its journey to the other side of the world, marking the ending of the day.
“I know,” came her reply. “In primary there was once. You told me the story before. And mana tau maybe you were dumped by your best friend once upon a time.”
I didn’t know who she was referring to as my best friend so I ignored her comment; it came every now and then, her words filled with its own mysteries and hidden meanings. “Since when? Anyway, the past is the past. It doesn’t matter what happened.”
Aly nodded her head thoughtfully. She could sense that this was something I didn’t want to talk about. “Yeah, but you have to be careful not to let the past affect your future. Shit happens but it doesn’t mean you should hide away that part of you just because something bad happened before. You don’t lock up your heart because someone broke it in the past. Don’t let it hold you down.”
There it was again, the riddles. Aly sometimes spoke or asked questions that were laced with her own emotions but she would sometimes hardly reveal the true meaning of her words. It irritated me sometimes but then after awhile, I just got used to it. “Yeah, tell that to yourself first. Have you been dumped before?” I asked her, forcing the change of direction where our conversation was heading.
“Of course. Who hasn’t?”
“Have you dumped anyone before?” I was in the mood today. Aly called it humouring her but to me, it was just another layer of me that I hardly exposed; the curious side.
“Of course.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know,” came her short reply.
It wasn’t the type answer I had expected so I asked again, “Who la?”
She licked away at her ice cream then glanced at me before she opened her mouth to speak. “Who hasn’t dumped someone before? We do it all the time; it’s just that we don’t realize it, that’s all. We don’t see when we’re hurting someone by doing what we want or what we think is just natural. That’s a sucky quality we all have. By simply choosing to hang out with one friend instead of another who expects our company, that’s dumping already. I’ve done it before, of course. I’ll end up doing it again. But I don’t like doing it.”
“But then you’d also have to understand why you’re being dumped wert. I mean, if your friend has something she wants to say or do with someone else then you can’t expect her to still choose you all the time.” Somehow, I felt as if this was a battle. It’s a topic we have touched on and experienced time and time again to the point where our friendship almost shattered.
“It’s not as simple as that. I get it when I get dumped. Truly, I do. I mean, I understand when you want to spend time just hanging out with Melanie, Nat or anyone of your friends but somehow it still comes knocking. And as for me dumping people, sometimes it’s for the pure reason that I prefer the company of another than that one particular person so it makes me feel bad for doing it when I realize what I did and why. I’d feel bad because I’d feel like it’s favouritism even though I know everyone does it but it doesn’t mean it’s right,” she explained intently. Sometimes it was like she could read my emotions and know how I felt or what I was thinking, then she’d know just what to say to make me lower the defences I had mentally formed around me.
“So why don’t you just stop doing it if it makes you feel bad?” I suggest.
“Well,” she started then stopped. “It’s not that simple. It’s complicated.”
“Ok. So did you feel bad when you were dumped?” I asked carefully, engrossing myself in the melting flavoured ice on the stick I held.
“Yes and no.”
“Ok, stop with the riddles. Did you feel bad?”
“Yes and no lah. Sometimes yes when I felt as if I was being shoved aside and sometimes no when I knew that my position was only a temporary stint,” Aly finally said.
“Temporary?” I questioned. “What does that mean?”
“It means-“ she paused and chewed on the last of her jelly ice cream. “It means that after you have fulfilled what you need to do, you don’t have to be around anymore.”
“And you don’t feel bad about being- used like that?” I asked incredulously. I really didn’t get her sometimes.
Aly sighed as if she was trying to explain basic math to a form 5. “I call it being there for your friends when they need you simply because you are or were friends once upon a time regardless of anything, anyone or anytime. Usually this happens with people I’m friends with but I’m not really close to them. When they need me, I’ll be there but once they don’t, I’m content with fading into the background.”
“So why don’t you feel bad about it?” I glanced around before casually tossing my ice cream stick onto the ground.
“Kaydee! Jeez. You ah. Well, I don’t feel bad because some people are not as lucky as I am to have good friends who stick by me through thick and thin, who support, trust and believe in me. So when shit happens, some people find that their friends are gone for a variety of reasons and just being there for them makes a world of difference. Once the problems are all cleared up and usually their friends returned, everything goes back to normal meaning I fade out of the equations.”
“Makes sense, I guess,” I mused and let her words roll around in my head. “Well,” I said as we reached the front of my house, “I’ll be seeing you-“
Aly laughed. “When? No more school. No more SPM. It’s no longer a fixed fate for us to meet. It’s in our hands! It’s our choice! I’m crapping again.”
“Yea, I’m used to it,” I assured her, fishing my keys out of my pocket. “We’ll just plan another outing, ok? Pretty soon you’ll be going on your student exchange program and I’ll be off to England to study so we better lepak while we can.”
“Uh huh.” Aly slowly moved backwards. “While we can. So I’ll be seeing you-,” she said cheerfully. “while I can. But hey, remember. Don’t let your past affect the future. That primary school friend of yours doesn’t sound that nice and you know what I think of the other friends we have in common. There are good friends out there so don’t give up.”
“Ok. I won’t forget. Bye, you crazy girl,” I laughed as I waved. Aly waved back and broke into a jog towards her house.
“David, where’s mummy?” I asked my 13 year old brother as I entered the living room and dumped my keys onto the piano.
“Huh? Upstairs,” he answered, captivated by the television. He was sprawled out on the couch, half-naked with only a pillow covering his chest.
Without another word I went up to my room, shut the door and lay on my bed. I closed my eyes and sighed. She did it again; filled my head with thoughts and feelings I didn’t want to have. “Forever and ever,” the words just floated into my head and it took me several moments to recall where they came from. “Her birthday letter,” I mouthed and sat up.
My gaze travelled to the bottom drawer of my cupboard and without realizing it, I crossed the distance of my room and pulled it open. Neatly stacked by the side were envelopes, some crammed full with notes, papers or cards. I pulled out the whole stack and began pulling open each one, letting the memories and words flood my mind.
“Best friends forever!”
“All the best!”
“We’ll always be there for you.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“You’re always so-“
“Hey!”
“Bye…”
“Never forget-“
“Remember me?”
“Miss you what!”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Why cant you just-“
“Hey, thanks for everything-“
Everything flows and nothing is held back. A knot of emotion forms in my chest and seems to constrict my breathing. Aly and I are friends but she doesn’t know me as well as she thinks she does. She’ll never know of all the memories that lie in these papers simply because.
“Friends?” I don’t remember the meaning of the word. I though I did. I thought I had them. But these were just thoughts and wishes. My stupidity caused me so much pain when I got myself too attached so I promised myself I would never let it happen again.
“All the best! Friends forever and we will always be there for you.” I snorted when I read these words. Closing my eyes, the memory washed through my mind, pushing all other things aside.

March 2005
“At least you get to enter ‘heaven’ even if it’s only sometimes. I pula still knocking on the door, once in a while only I get to stick my leg inside,” Nora complained to Rachel, her gestures as wild as the mood they had set.
“You get to masuk halfway; I’m still trying to run up the down-escalator. Can imagine them looking at me through the security camera and saying, ‘Make it go faster! Don’t let her come up!’” Anna laughed with them as she mimicked watching a screen on the classroom table.
“Then they’ll be pushing the buttons,” Nora added as she pushed and pulled at imaginary buttons and levers. “Make the doors keep opening and closing and the escalator go down faster.”
“Never mind, when I get inside I will burn down the control room so you two can come in too and we will rule over them!” Rachel tried an evil laugh which sent them into new fits of laughter.
I gave them an odd look as I entered the class and walked to my seat at the front of the class, next to Rachel. Their gazes fixed on me. “What?” I asked them.
Nora let out a dramatic sigh as Rachel patted me on the shoulder. “So good for you. You are in ‘heaven’ already and they never kick you out,” Rachel said to me.
“Yeah and you don’t have to keep knocking to get inside then when you get in, it’s only for awhile and you don’t even get warning when they kick you out,” Nora added.
“Hey, still better than me! Running up the escalator.” Anna laughed.
“Right. What are you guys talking about?” I asked with caution.
The three of them exchanged looks. “Heaven and the door,” Nora finally said. “And all the angels inside.”
“Please lar. Angels? Doubt it,” Anna retorted.
“Kononnya angels lah. They think they are angels,” Rachel corrected Nora. “But they are not.”
“Exactly. So why are we so upset about this? We already agree there’s nothing super special about them so why do we need to get into their ‘heaven’ anyway?” Anna asked them. They seemed oblivious to my presence and I just watched their conversation with amusement.
“True. True. Let’s form our own gang then we don’t need them at all. Then they will come and knock on our door, begging us to let them in,” Rachel exclaimed, throwing her hands around to emphasize her point. “But we won’t let them in! We’ll make them run up the escalator and knock on the door until their hands are like, practically falling off.”
The three of them burst into new fits of laughter that was soon drowned out by the sound of the school bell, signalling the end of recess. Laughter turned into groans as Anna and Nora left the class after the ‘goodbye’s were over.
“What was that about?” I asked Rachel over the growing buzz of teenage conversation which was growing stronger and louder with every face that walked back into the class.
“Nothing lah. We were just crapping about some people.” Rachel heaved a heavy sigh. “Not all of us are as lucky as some people, like you, to have a group that accepts us completely.”
I pretended not to hear her as I pulled my pencil box out of my bag. Five minutes later, we were all bent over our books, furiously copying down mathematic equations as our teacher wrote them out in a speed that could have given an F1 racer a run for his money.
‘Not all of us are as lucky as some people, like you...’ Yeah right. I knew exactly who they were talking about and I knew Rachel was completely wrong about me being a part of their so-called elite group.
Those ‘friends’ called me when they needed something and never stuck around long enough when I had problems unless, of course, they decided it was something interesting like a guy problem. Even just now at recess, I just sat at the sidelines of the table while the core of the group had the time of their lives. Just like Nora, and Anna, they probably felt I wasn’t good enough for them. I knew just how they felt. Rachel on the other hand was like their darling. Only she was too blind to realize it.
With a sudden start I realized I was left behind. I quickly resumed my work and shoved all thoughts of them out of my mind.
I don’t need friends.

April 1999
Once again I was more or less sitting by myself during recess. My ‘best friend’ Jessica had her own group of friends now. Ever since she got into a better class than I did, she’s been acting as if I didn’t exist. It hurt. We’ve been friends for three years and now she doesn’t even look at me.
I don’t need friends.

May 2005
“Kaydee, are you going for badminton practice later?” Trisha asked me.
“Um, yeah. Why?” I cringed over the phone as I heard my mum lecturing my sister and my brother upstairs. She wasn’t in a good mood.
“Oh ok. Um, Shaun asked if he can tumpang you because he got no transport,” she started.
“Cant you guys fetch him?” I asked hurriedly. “You guys going as well, right?”
“Actually, that’s also another thing I wanted to ask. Can you fetch all three of us? Because my mum is out so me and my sister also don’t have transport,” she asked.
I was stunned for a moment. In the first place, why couldn’t Shaun call me and ask me himself? And shouldn’t Trisha and her sister have arranged for transport earlier if their mum is out? “Um, I don’t know,” I started reluctantly. There was no way I could ask my mum now!
“Please lah, Kaydee. Just to go there only. Coming back my mum can pick us up,” Trisha pleaded.
“Kaydee!” my mum’s voice sounded from upstairs.
“Yeah, ok,” I told Trisha. “I’ll see you later.” I quickly put down the phone and rushed upstairs.
Ten minutes later, I got into the car. My mum started the engine and slowly backed out of the driveway. It was now or never. “Um, Shaun, Trisha and Natalie asked if can pick them up for badminton practice.”
“What? And you told them ok?”
I nodded nervously. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you ask me first?” her tone was loud and accusing.
“They- They just only called just now.”
“You ah. Just tell people you can fetch them without even asking me first. Always let yourself get used like this. Did they ever offer to fetch you? Your friends ask you something and you can’t say no to them.” Her lecture continued on and on as she drove to Shaun’s house.
I don’t need friends.

June 2003
I trailed after Yamuna and Amanda. There was nothing I could do except watch them walk side my side, laughing at things that happened in their classes. I grit my teeth. Amanda, my best friend for years, always acts like I suddenly don’t exist. I couldn’t even get a single moment alone with Amanda during recess anymore.
I followed them as they went to sit down at the pondok behind the science labs. At least here I could concentrate on my writing and ignore them. Hah. More like ignore the fact that they’re ignoring me. I flipped open my exercise book and started on a new chapter of my new story.
“What’s that?” Sakunthala, a girl from Yamuna’s class asked me.
I looked up, surprised and flattered with the sudden attention.
“It’s rubbish,” Yamuna said to her.
“It’s my story,” I told Sakun, pretending I didn’t hear Yamuna. What did she know? “Do you want to read?”
Before Sakun could even open her mouth to answer me, Yamuna started, “Don’t read it, it’s rubbish!”
I stared at her and Amanda. Wasn’t Amanda even going to say anything? Without a word, I picked up my book, got up and walked away. When I turned the corner I glanced back and what I saw tore my heart. There was no one behind me. My ‘best friend’ didn’t bother to stand up for me or even come after me.
I don’t need friends.

April 2006
I regret the way I tried to set my cousin up with the girl he likes, my good friend Sarah. Now Sarah and I are fighting because of a guy!
Sarah doesn’t realize how I feel. She’s always leaving me alone to be with him. What happened to our friendship? It’s like now that she has him, she doesn’t need me and that bites.
Sometimes I feel like I have no friends at all. They all just look like friends but actually I’m all alone and I don’t have anyone to talk to. All of them would willingly pass on the latest piece of gossip about me even if it’s not true. Hah… Would you call these friends?
I don’t need friends.

I pulled myself out of my memory lane. I still don’t think I need friends but sometimes it’s nice having them around. I guess Aly was right. Some friends- are friends. This year I ditched all of my so-called friends and made new friends. Or actually, new friends came to me. They were a wacky bunch with their own set of bad habits and situations, but sometimes they were better friends even if they do drive me up the wall a million times a week. I don’t have a best friend. I don’t even know the meaning of that word. But I have good friends, close friends, and maybe even one day, I’ll know what it means to have true friends.

“Everyone gets dumped… as a friend. It’s realizing that fact and getting over it because you dump people too without realizing it. If you want true friends, you have to try to be one first. Because good attracts good and when people see how well and how fairly you treat others, they will come to you and then it’s your job to sort out the true from the fake,” Aly told me in one of her long-winded monologues.
“So how would you know who is true or fake?”
“Stop expecting to meet someone that you’ll get along with the very moment you lay eyes on. A true friend is someone that you have such strong bonds with that it overcomes any problem or trouble you encounter. Well, this is my view. You can form yours as you go along. But you have to believe they’re out there.”
“So do you have any true friends?” I asked her
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“A few. I’m lucky in that sense. I have amazing friends, like you.”
“ Why-“ I started then paused. “Why do you tell me you love me?”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s the truth. And everyone needs to know they are loved so I’m just reminding you.”

One day…