Sam's Masterpieces

Wow...

2011-07-24T11:36:00.000+08:00

I made this blog ages ago to share my short stories and poems with the world.
After a while, amidst the hustle and bustle of every day life, my writing fell to the sidelines and I now rarely write anything new.
I came back here because of a comment someone left on one of my poems and its really heart warming to see my works appreciated and touching the hearts of others. To be honest, I never really thought I was very good *laughs*.
So anyways, I hope you guys enjoy reading my works. It was a pleasure and an experience writing each and every single piece.
Please do leave a comment if you read something you like (^_^)
And thanks for reading =)

Charades [Poem]

2010-10-10T19:13:00.000+08:00

There's something i wish I could tell you
I don't know if you'd understand
Its a feeling in my heart
And i've been thinking about it lately

But would you hear my words?
Would you know what it means to me?
There are so many things I wish I could say
But I think it'd get lost halfway

Oh, I started piano lessons btw.
but i still haven't cut my nails
I have a new aim in life
And I think its really great.

I smile a lot more now
I'm enjoying the little I have.
I went to cell last night
we played charades.

Do you know that game? Charades?
I feel like we're playing that sometimes
Like I'm acting out a scene
I hope you'll understand.

Do you feel the void?
There's this big distance between us
Well, we're not kids anymore
And things arent the same

But I wish they were
It makes me sad.
To think I'm losing you
What can I do?

I guess we're growing up
but do we really have to grow apart?
I thought it'd always be us together
You and me, just like it used to be

I guess its my fault
I was never really there
Physically, emotionally
And now its too late

I dont want to beat around no bushes
Dont want no games of charade
Dont want to pretend like its all okay
As it slowly slips away

Because I love you
I dont want you to go
I wish you'd stay.
What more can I say?

Chemistry [Poem]

2010-10-10T19:10:00.000+08:00

We dance around each other,
denying the attraction that pulls us closer.
Like planets in orbit,
magnets resisting the pull,
leaves fluttering in the wind,
whispers in the night.
If I could deny you, would I?
If I would deny you, could I?

You spark this in me
Chemistry so intense
It is not that I love you
Not that I'm infatuated
But i'm drawn to you
The way that you are to me
And it scares me

Tell me why do I adore you
Why I look at you with fascination on my face
Tell me why when we are together
Our hearts sing in harmony
Even as we argue and refuse to speak

Could it be that you were made for me?
As I was made for you?
Could it be by fate's irony
That we are meant to be?
Could it be, you and I...
Friends, lovers, soulmates
You and I?

You Were Mine [Poem]

2010-07-21T22:28:00.000+08:00

I gave you my heart
You settled into my life
I was happy in your arms
You were mine

You calmed my erratic tears
Diminished all my foolish fears
You gave me a new light
You were mine

You opened my eyes
As I opened my heart
I learned to breathe again
You were mine

You taught me what I had forgotten
That tears dont mean weakness
That I am beautiful inside
You were mine

I loved you
You were my world
I was safe with you
You were mine

Happily ever afters
Forever and evers
I wanted to believe
You were mine

You showed me I could run
That if I fell, you'd pick me up
You nurtured me
You were mine

Then curtains fell
And flowers wilt
Then it all just ends
You were mine

I love you
I have loved you
I loved you
You were mine

Now all I feel is empty
And tears fall so easily
Where is my happy ending?
You were mine

I thought you said "Forever"
I thought I wouldnt believe you
But turns out I did
YOu were mine

Now all I see is darkness
I've tried to live with it
Praying for light, remembering when
You were mine

But I cant lie to myself
Not anymore
Gone are those days
You were mine

So I have to let you go
Though it aches my heart
I just cant pretend anymore
You were mine

I will remember you
For once upon a time
You were my everything
When you were mine
But you arent anymore

Hi, Stranger [Poem]

2010-07-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

Hi, Stranger
It's nice to see your face
Havent seen you around in a while
You don't look the same

Hi, Stranger
Do you remember my name?
It's been so long since we've talked
Now I don't know what to say

Hi, Stranger
It's kinda awkward now, isnt it?
Don't remember what we talk about
Now I don't know where to begin

Hi, Stranger
I wonder if you've changed
What if we don't get along anymore?
Somehow its just not the same

Hi, Stranger
I've missed you, you know
You are missing from my life
But you are busy, I know

Hi, Stranger
I still check for you sometimes
Still hope to see your smile around
Missing the warmth you give me

Hi, Stranger
It feels empty inside
I want to talk to you
But you're no where in sight

Hi, Stranger
I wonder if you miss me
Do you think of me sometimes?
Do you look for me too?

Hi, Stranger
So does it end just like that?
Will we walk past each other
On the streets one day?

Hi, Stranger
I miss you, you know...

Rubik Cube ("Story") [short]

2010-07-08T23:14:00.000+08:00

No one expects you to understand the things that run through their mind, as refreshing as a clear stream with rays of light that twinkle like daytime stars when it hits the water, as puzzling as a brain teaser, as calming as a cool day on the beach yet as nerve-wrecking as as an important test.

No one expects you to understand the swirl of emotions coursing through their heart. Confusion, puzzlement, excitement, apprehension, anticipation... How could you understand if they themselves don't?

Now that I think of it, its quite like a Rubik cube. You observe it, not sure if you should give it a try. What if you fail? But as you watch people twist and turn it, trying to crack the secret, to figure out the formula; as you watch it, in general, you grow more and more curious and you want more and more to give it a try.

Holding it in your hands, you keep trying to figure it out, trying everything imaginable. Sometimes you wish you could pull it apart and rearrange it the way you want it to be; perfect. Occasionally, it seems like you're on the right track. Other times, you're either totally clueless or so totally frustrated at the fact that this one thing can cause you so much headache. It can reach a point where you don't sleep, you don't eat; all you wanna do is get this right!

Depending on your commitment, your interest will fizzle after you screw it badly enough. Then you put it away for another day, for the day when it's charm and magnetism draws you deep again.

But then one day, when you pick it up again and as you progress, it seems to be going well. Sure, there are a few screw-ups but you don't give up because this time you're gonna get it. At least, that's what you tell yourself. You keep at it, working hard and doing what you think is right, following your heart and also your mind. You keep trying and then- you get it.

It's perfect. A solid cube with a single color on each of it's 3x3 sides. You're the envy of all who's ever tried to get what you've achieved but still cannot succeed.

Then the challenge continues. 4x4 Rubik cube. 5x5 Rubik cube. There's even a triangular one. You progress onto higher levels, onto more challenging levels. Sure it's hard but with the satisfaction you get and the high it gives you, what could get you down from your cloud 9?

A Rubik Cube... is alot like love...

Second Chance (Story) [medium]

2008-07-31T23:48:00.002+08:00

18 July 2036
“Oh, this is so exciting!” Anna, my best friend squealed. The two of us were sitting in the park, in the middle of a picnic, watching a live launch of a rocket on my hand phone screen.
“Yeah, it is,” I could feel goose bumps popping up as I waited with anticipation for the Green Earth 1 rocket that I had helped build, to launch into the atmosphere.
The Green Earth 1 rocket is an international project designed by the world’s top scientists and engineers of various fields to remove the threats of the green house effect and rising sea levels by changing the carbon dioxide into oxygen. Eight years ago, I joined this elite team as an electronics engineer.
“Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven…” The countdown began. I felt a pang of regret that I could not witness the launch close up. I quickly reminded myself that we had planned Anna’s 35th birthday picnic a long time ago.
“Sam, you must be so proud,” Anna said as she gave my hand a squeeze. I was proud. Although I was only 27 when I joined this earth-saving project, all my colleagues treated me with respect and my opinions were held in high regard. Most importantly, I had a role in this important project.
“Three… Two… One…” Anna and I cheered as the rocket took off. I felt a rush of excitement; I was like a small boy tearing open his Christmas presents. My dreams of a cleaner and better environment were just about to come true.
All of a sudden, while the rocket was in the middle of the troposphere, GE1 gave a small jerk. Caution bells rang in my head. That wasn’t supposed to happen; something was wrong. The GE1 jerked again, more violently.
“Oh no,” I muttered under my breath. “Watch out!” The GE1 exploded. There was a ferocious boom as the rocket blew up into pieces. On my small hand phone screen, we watched on helplessly at the fiery flames as the remains of the rocket plummet towards the earth.
I felt a warm hand slip into mine; Anna pulled me up from the ground and quickly started to clear the remains of our picnic. I just stood there, staring; I dumbfounded at the sudden change of events.
When she was done, Anna led me to the car. “Come on, Samuel,” she told me gently, wiping off a tear I hadn’t realized was there, “I’ll drive you to the station.”

*

My movements were slow and heavy as I locked the main door and trudged up the stairs to my bedroom. I dragged myself to the bed and just laid there, staring at the ceiling.
David, the head of this entire operation, had told us that it was suspected that the GE1 was sabotaged. On top of that we would not be building another rocket; there was a lack of funds and none of the countries were willing to back us up.
‘Sabotage’. I had never seen David looking so messed up. He had bloodshot eyes, a pale complexion and he wore a spaced out expression. His usually neat suit was in disarray.
‘We would not be building another rocket.’ At the rate things are going, every living thing on earth would completely fried in twenty to thirty years. The entire human race would be completely extinct by the year 2080, about 44 years from now.
“Unless…” a thought struck me. I crossed the room in three long strides to my desk. My heart was beating loudly. Picking up the receiver, I dialed a number I knew by heart.
After a few rings, the phone was picked up. “Hello?” In the background I could here my niece and nephew, Deidre and Daniel splashing around in their pool at the back of the house.
“Did you watch the launch?” I asked. “The GE1 exploded.” Even now, hours after the incident, the words still pierced my heart and every syllable was a heavy blow.
There was a soft sigh. “Yes. I tried calling you a million times. Sam, are you all right? What happened?”
“I need to use the time machine.”
A long silence greeted my statement. Finally, my older sister replied. “Samuel, are you sure you want to do this?” I kept silent. The answer to that was more than obvious. Hannah heaved a sigh. “Come on over.”
“Thanks, sis. Love you!” I quickly hung up the phone and grabbed my car keys off the table. Whistling, I jogged down the stairs, out the door and got into my car. It was amazing how quickly a situation could change.
“I have a chance to make things right,” I muttered to myself as I steered my car out of my driveway and onto the road. “I can change everything.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” my sister asked as soon as she opened the door to let me in.
I fixed my gaze on her, not saying a word. Hannah knows how important this was to me and the only way I could save the GE1 was if I used the time machine Hannah and I secretly built in her attic; Hannah used to be a scientist before she decided she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. The only flaw in my plan was that I wasn’t sure if the time machine worked properly; Hannah had told me that it wouldn’t on various occasions.
With another long and loud sigh, Hannah led me to her attic where the time machine was already up and running. To my surprise, there was someone there, checking the dials, knobs and such.
“What the-“ I uttered when that person turned and I saw her face. It was my sister. I turned around and, sure enough, there appeared to be two of Hannah. “What’s going on? Did you clone yourself or something?”
“No. I time traveled,” the second Hannah said coolly as if she was telling me the time. “I’m from tomorrow.”
“So the machine works? Great!” I cried, all my worries vanished. “Send me back to tomorrow. That should be enough time for me to check the machine.”
The Hannahs exchange looks. “Sam, we know who sabotaged the rocket,” the first Hannah announced.
“Who?” I asked excitedly. If I knew who sabotaged the GE1, I could just try to stop the person or find out exactly what that person did the to the GE1.
“You.”
That single syllable struck me like a speeding truck. “How could I have sabotaged the GE1? Impossible! I ‘m trying to save it. I need to!”
“You have to,” the second Hannah told me. “If the rocket launches without a hitch, it ends up going into overdrive. It turns all the carbon dioxide and any gas possible into oxygen.”
“Bottom line is the earth burns up in a matter of weeks but this time it’s because of excess oxygen. A single match will give the flame of a blowtorch,” Hannah number one added.
“How would you know? That couldn’t happen. The system is flawless!” I argued. “There’s no way that’s possible!” I moved toward the main control panel. They must have gotten it wrong. I had to save the GE1 not sabotage it.
“It is possible. Don’t forget, we have the time machine,” the second Hannah told me as she stepped in front of me, blocking my path.
“So let me use it,” I declared. “ Let me travel through time. Let me see for myself if what you say is true.”
They look uncertain. “Alright. We’ll send you forward fifty years from now,” the first Hannah said finally.
“Ten. If what you say is true then ten years should be sufficient,” I countered. A thought struck me. “Wait. If the rocket already blew up, isn’t the earth saved already?”
“Well, what I think is since the present Samuel hasn’t sabotaged the rocket, the event hasn’t really happened even though it actually has. So the person that sabotaged the rocket is kind of an image of you from the future, or something like that,” the second Hannah explained.
My head went around in circles. “So you’re saying that it hasn’t happened but at the same time it has.”
“In a word, yes. That’s basically it. I know it’s confusing, isn’t it?” Hannah laughed. “That’s my theory about this particular event. But as you know, theories are not always precise and may even be wrong.”
“I think I get it,” I said, nodding my head. I stared at the time machine with determination and partial desperation. “Let’s do this.”

*

18 July 2006

My heart pounded loudly as I climbed down the attic and into the hall on the second floor of Hannah’s house. ‘Mom’s house,’ I corrected myself. I had traveled to the future and what I saw was devastating; everything was in ashes. Nothing survived. Occasionally there was even a small eruption of flames.
When I returned to my real time, I agreed to sabotage the GE1 but only on one condition; I wanted to travel further back into time.
“Mom,” I murmur as I walk down the hall towards the stairs. My mother had passed away when I was only eight and Hannah was ten. Hannah told me that she had often time traveled to see our mother and reveled that she even knew all about the time machine and us.
I heard the clatter of pots and plates downstairs; my mother was cooking lunch.
“Samuel! Give me back my Barbie doll!” I heard the seven-year-old Hannah scream as she chased the five-year-old Samuel around the garden. I chuckled as I walked down the stairs and to the kitchen, letting my hands run over the old, familiar furniture.
I breathed in and took in the smell of my mother’s cooking. I’ve missed her so much. I couldn’t wait to tell her all about myself and all that I have achieved. I couldn’t wait to hug her and to see her again, to hear her voice as she strokes my hair.
Without realizing it, tears started to roll down my cheeks. This would be the second time I was crying in 24 hours. I stepped quietly into the kitchen. “Hi, mom,” I said, my voice cracking. “It’s good to be home.”

Torn Again (Story) [short]

2008-07-31T23:48:00.001+08:00

‘No one cares,’ the thought surges through her mind as she watched the pinwheel spin. The pinwheel was a gift that her best friend had won for her at a fair. The very same best friend she was in a rip-roaring fight with.
Her gaze then falls on the picture her friends had snapped for her. The picture of a teenage guy she had a crush on. A crush known and ridiculed by him.
She sighs and lets the music surround her. She listens to the song and looses herself in it. She lets it take her to a place where there is only happiness, blue skies and grass the shade of the greenest green; a place where tears and misery don’t exist. Then suddenly chorus jolts her back into cold hard reality.
She frowns unhappily. That song was the song her ex-boyfriend sang for her. The ex- boyfriend she spent the whole night before talking to; the ex-boyfriend she had fallen for again.
Pushing all those thoughts to the back of her mind, she pushes herself to her feet and gets ready for school, the place where most troubles start.
Upon arriving at school, she is surrounded by her friends. Her best friend is not among them. Instead, her best friend is sitting with a group of her own friends, laughing and gossiping.
She struggles to keep the smile on her face, the twinkle in her eyes, the note of happiness and delight in her voice. No one realizes the pain, the sadness, the grief she goes through.
The day is made of blur pictures filled with blur figures. She moves around on automatic; leaving her free to wallow in self-pity and pain.
She looks happy, carefree, and fine. But inside, inside a little monster gnaws on her heart, driving her insane; never giving her a moment of peace, forcing her to make a choice into further misery. A deep, dull ache deep inside her makes her feel incomplete, alone, like she is nothing….
She goes home. Only to be rewarded by the sound of angry shouting of her parents. Her parents who pull her into their web of anger and frustration, further adding the burden of choosing a side when every side is the wrong answer. Finally, she is tossed out of their tangled web, mangled, broken, shattered.
She lies alone in her dark room, trying to make a choice; trying to make the nightmare end. But no, nothing could possibly erase this horrible feeling, eating her up from inside.
Soon, midnight rolls by. The house is still and silent, so silent it sends a chill down her spine. Suddenly, she sits up and makes an instant decision. Silently, she sneaks out of her room. Out into the living room. She walks out the door- and disappears into the night.

Home Alone (Story) [short]

2008-07-31T23:48:00.000+08:00

At first I didn’t think it could be real. But it became apparent when it showed itself to me. Oh! How terrifying!
A chill slithered along my spine as I pressed my back against my bedroom door. ‘What is it?’ I wondered. It looked alien with its green, lumpy face and gooey hair trapped within a film of plastic. It had probably disposed of my sister as it had donned on her ugly tattered orange bathrobe. It stood there, staring at me. But as I stared at I seemed to recognize it more and more. Had I perhaps seen it from a movie? An illustration from a book? I let out a cry as I realized the startling news. It was my sister with a face mask and her hair in a transparent shower cap!
I stared at the dumbfounded, and then I started to laugh. She glared at me angrily and rolled her eyes. It was no use. I was laughing so hard my sides were hurting.
My laughter stopped short when we heard three short loud knocks on our front door. My eyes widened with fear. It was eleven at night and my parents were not due back for another two hours.
“Go get it!” my sister hissed at me, huddling at the doorway of her room. Her anger was forgotten and was instantly replaced with fear as she realized what I had a split moment ago.
I started breathing heavily and my knees felt weak and trebly. The knocks came again. More demanding, insistent and much louder. There were soft squishing sounds.
I lowered my hand onto the wooden banister and slowly made my way down the stairs, a step at a time. Already goose bumps prickled up and down my skin. ‘Who could it be?’ I wondered. We have never had visitors this late at night.
I was halfway down the stairs when my sister whispered furiously, “Wait!” I turned gratefully. Maybe she has decided that she wants to see who it is. I would definitely gladly oblige. She rushed down the steps toward me and pushed one of my baseball bats into my hand. She herself was carrying a large handheld mirror she had snatched from her room. I dryly thought of how she would use it to defend herself.
I continued down the stairs with her close at my heels. I felt as if all the muscles in my chest were tied into one big knot. Too soon, the front door loomed before us. I brought a finger to my lips to motion for my sister to remain silent. She nodded her head and tightened her grip on the handle of her mirror. Her features were knotted tighter and tighter with panic and fear.
I pointed at the door and held up three fingers and started to count down. When I folded down the last finger, I pulled open the door and got ready to attack. Beside me, my sister let out a scream and fled up the stairs, mirror and all. I laughed and pulled out some money from my pocket. It was a guy my sister knew from school with the pizza I had ordered half an hour ago!

A girl's mind... [Poem]

2008-07-29T15:59:00.001+08:00

Is it that hard to see?
What you're doing to me?
Do you know how much I'm hurting?
Or you just choose not to see?

Do you do those things on purpose?
Or do you just not care at all?
Am I reading you and the signs wrongly?
Am I the one at fault?

Somehow the tears get choked up
And confusion is all I see.
Is it true that you still love me?
Or just the idea of me?

Am I just a toy?
Did you get bored of me?
Or maybe I’m just paranoid.
Maybe you're just busy.

I'll bear with it,
You didn’t call.
I just hope tomorrow
Won’t be the same

I'll live that I didn’t know where you were
I'll just pray it doesn’t happen again.
I wont let it hurt when you don’t sms
Maybe your bill is high

I won’t cry when you don’t show up
Maybe there's a lot on your mind
I'll let it slide, you said, "I'm busy"
I won’t let it get to me

Maybe tomorrow will be better
No, I'm sure of it
I'll forget how many times this has happened
Because I love you still

My thoughts keep circling you
My heart is made of you
Some nights I just can’t sleep
Because I just miss you

When I turn its always you I see
But you're not really there
When there's a call, it's you I hear
Although it just can’t be

When I say things I don’t really mean
You just don’t get it at all
Why can’t you see what I truly feel?
I'm saying I want you still even more!

I don’t want a break-up
I don’t want you to go away
I don’t mean it when I say "don’t call"
Or when I run away

I just want for you to hold me tight
And stay right where you are
I want you to call even though I'll yell
And that you'll catch me when I fall

I want you to show up when I least expect
I want to argue who loves more
I want you to just be there
And to pick up when I call

The things I ask aren’t that much
Though I know it doesn’t make sense
I just want; I need you to SHOW it
If you love me like before

If you don’t I guess it’s just too bad
Because you mean the world to me
But if it’s true then what I can do?
I can only walk away

To turn my back would cause so much pain
But there's nothing I can do
At least I wouldn’t suffer
Wondering if you love me too

Writer's note: This relationship turned out to be completely not worth it. At the time, I was too infatuated and "in love" to see it but really, if a guy keep treating you badly, it's time to leave, no matter what your feelings are. Even if it might not seem or feel like its true, there really is a guy out there who will and WANTS to treat you the way you deserve to be treated =) Take it from me.

Think... (Poem)

2008-06-27T22:40:00.000+08:00

Lindley, faster do the blogskin,
I’m getting so damn bored
I’m having too much time to think
Too much time with my thoughts

My friends they like to tell me
“Sam, PLEASE don’t think so much”
Deidre, Manda, Sha, DreyDrey,
And also Iona…

I wonder about love
And the things that it can bring
Oceans of happiness
Or a life of misery

How come some last so long?
Yet some always time-out?
How come some are so happy?
While others just want out?

I wonder about the future
The life that we will lead
Can we really make our dreams?
Or will it stay just that?

Apprehension filled with dread
Are all our choices weak?!
What if we don’t make it there?
What if we only dream?

I wonder about life and death
Why one has to leave
We know all the reasons clichéd
But sometimes I still need

If only they could live again
If only there’s the chance
Would we have done things differently?
Or stick to the same old dance?

I wonder about me…
If I know what I’ve to do…
Can I take care of myself
And do what I should always do?

Its like the song,
Que Sera, Que Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que Sera, Sera…

I think…
I just stop thinking now
Cuz like they say,
“Sam, PLEASE don’t think so much!”

You (poem)

2007-11-24T12:24:00.001+08:00

Spending time with you
Looking at your face
Wishing I could ease your pain
Anything, so you’d smile again

As I listened to your voice
I would picture all the scenes
When all our roles we reversed
The times when you were me

Memories flood my mind
Surging from every corner
I think of all the times ago
You saved me from a fall

Did I say my ‘thank you’s?
Did I say them well?
Did I portray the way I felt?
Of my gratitude, did I tell?

For all the times you’ve smiled,
For when you’ve made my day,
For all the consoling words
To this date, that you have said.

For all the times you’ve ‘scolded’,
Poured cold water on my head.
For all the times you made me see
That I just bumped my head.

For all the times you made me realize
Everybody goes through hell.
For all the times you woke me up
Opened my eyes so I would see

So just a note,
A small reminder,
Thank you.
I owe you one (or more)

Scars (poem)

2007-11-24T12:23:00.001+08:00

Once there was:
An empty paper;
A hopeful heart
Full of prayers and dreams,
Unscarred.
Frustration born from pretenses,
All this pain from love.
Disappointed I stand
A reed in a never-ending storm
Never resisting the pain
Caused by the ones I care for.
For broken hearts heal
But the lines and scars remain.
Forgiving is easy enough
But we may never forget

We all do it:
Place ourselves first
Never thinking maybe
Someone might need us
More.
All this time I stood here
Waiting.
So I’ll wait here to catch you
If you were to fall.
But you never saw that.
How like you

Drunkenly Suicidal (story)[medium]

2007-11-24T12:21:00.001+08:00

She holds a silver blade to her wrist, captivated by the way it seems to be winking up at her. Her breathing is heavy and she can feel her heart beat throughout her whole body without trying.
There was a slight buzzing in Jael's head. The room feels too hot even though the air conditioner is on. Jael could feel herself swaying a bit every now and then as if some invisible force was rocking her.
"Fuck the world," she thinks, her mind was numbed by alcohol and her heart shattered by pain. Tears spring to her eyes.
She drops the blade and takes another gulp of alcohol. It burns as she swallows and a fiery inferno explodes within her. At first, Jael had to dilute the rum in other drinks to hide its taste but the more she drank, the less she actually tasted it and soon she was drinking straight from the bottle.
"Those who know You, Lord, will trust You; You do not abandon anyone who comes to you. Psalms 9:10," she whispers to herself. A strong Christian believer and a church-going girl who's life suddenly plunged, Jael wonders, "So why am I so messed up? How did I lose control? I can’t. I can’t do this anymore."
Inside her, her conscience was trying desperately to surface, to spread logic and reason but its efforts were doused by the effects of alcohol like fire to water. 'Romans 12:21, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Deuteronomy 8:16, Leviticus 26:11-12.' Scriptures recite in her mind but she has no idea what they were or what they meant. They keep coming and repeat themselves until finally the words just seem to fade into a blurry mess that sank into the borders of her mind.
She tries to pick up the blade but her hand keeps meeting the cold, hard floor. "Whoops," she giggles. "So cold!" Her hands are freezing as if she had plunged them into a bucket icy water. Jael presses her palms to her cheeks and immediately, warmth spreads through her palms and into her fingers. The warmth is comforting.
Jael brings the glass bottle to her lips and tilts her head all the way back, finishing up the last of the rum. Slowly, carefully and with the concentration of a bomb squad, she finally manages to pick up the small 20 cents blade.
Jael eyes the piece of sharp metal in her hand like it is a new toy she had always wanted, as if it held untold wonders that could bring her joy. Perhaps it could. Jael takes a deep breath and pulls the blade across her right arm. She feels the sting of the skin as it split, the sweet swelling rise of blood.
It hurt, though not as much as everything else.
Closing her eyes with her head tilt slightly back, Jael scored the blade across her arm again. She holds in her breath. It feels as if she is opening a vent, allowing some of the tremendous pressure to ease. She had almost forgotten how good it felt.
She watches with satisfaction as more blood appeared. Jael feels an immense relief, as if it was her pain, not blood, that is flowing freely out of her. She cut a line parallel to the others and sighed. She hurt so much inside that the pain outside seemed to take her mind of everything else.
Jael watches as her blood slowly starts flowing along her arm. The whole world seems to still; there is only her, sitting motionless on her bedroom floor. Her blood is a dark, ruby red that glistens where it catches light as it slowly trickles down her arm and drips slowly but surely onto the smooth, white marble floor.
Her blood makes a soft splat sound as it hits the ground or maybe it is in her imagination. Her system was so concentrated with alcohol nothing at all made sense, even her existence.
‘This is wrong.’ The thought sparks from no where. Jael shakes her head furiously, as if to shake the cobwebs from her mind that are restricting her thoughts. Seizing the opportunity, her conscience tries to strike a blow.
The memory of the first time she had gotten caught drinking by her best friends played in her mind. All of them had expressed such unrivaled disappointment, frustration and even anger towards her drinking that she had promised to stop. It took awhile for them to stop secretly rummaging through her room and sniffing her bottles for that tell-tale pungent alcohol smell but soon they were satisfied and glad she had really stopped. Jael was too.
That promise lasted two months until her avalanche of unknown alien emotions started up again and seemed to suppress even the ease to breathe.
“I promised,” she whispers tearfully. It had broken her heart when she realized how much her friends cared about her and how much she had let them down but here she was, breaking their trust and hopes for her again. She had betrayed them.
Suddenly, Jael is repulsed by the sight of her bleeding arm. “I promised. I said I wouldn’t get addicted again.” Tears appear and she starts rocking herself back and forth, cradling her bloody wrist.
It had been so easy to hide her renewed addiction. She learned never to drink too much when she couldn’t hide the redness of her face. She snuck out the alcohol in small amounts from her parents’ liquor cabinet and stored them in small bottles hidden carefully in her room. She drank, mostly, in the privacy of her bedroom in the dead of the night.
Her tears fall as easily as raindrops during a thunder storm and soon she is sobbing uncontrollably. Her loud sobs vibrate out from her and seem to echo around her room. All the pain and misery she had hidden, ignored and postponed with alcohol surfaced and she cries her heart out.
“Jael? What’s going on?”
“Hey. Wh- Shit! Jael! You guys! Get up!”
“What happened?!”
Her cries awake her best friends sleeping in her room; it was a slumber party.
“Dammit! How could this have happened?” she heard someone curse under her breath. “Jael, why didn’t you say something?”
She feels a cold, wet towel wrap around her bleeding wrist and one of her friend, she is crying too hard to know who, holds Jael in her arms.
“It’s ok, Jael. We’re here. You’re going to be ok,” a voice floats into her head. She couldn’t tell if it was one of her friends or just a part of her that spoke.
“You don’t have to do this alone,” another chimes in.
Surrounded by her friends, finally feeling safe for the first time in ages, she closes her eyes and falls into a peaceful slumber.

It's Never Wrong Trying (Poem)

2007-10-12T00:07:00.001+08:00

It’s NEVER wrong trying
To believe in things that seems impossible
Impossible things happen
Everyday,
To everyone
Why not to you?
Why not to me?

Flying pigs…
Pots of gold at the end of every rainbow…
Happy families…
No wars…
No hunger…
No more tears of sadness…
Contentment…
Happiness…
Smiles…

I guess
We just have to believe

Exams Are Here (Poem)

2007-10-12T00:06:00.001+08:00

Exams, exams
Boringnyer exams.
Sit still in your place
Jangan harap bercakap

We read and write,
Write, read, write,
Then read and write,
And write, write, write

Everybody goes crazy
We talk to ourselves,
A sign of insanity,
Display of inanity

“Shit, I can’t answer!”
“Why isn’t anyone else done?!”
“Yer, they are cheating.”
“Why am I so dumb?”

Depends what exam
Then our habits come out,
Boring or takder masa
It all depends wan lah

BM: So blur
English: What to write?
Moral: OMG
Sejarah: Can just die

Bio: Huh? Say what?
Chemistry: What the shit?
Physics: I dunno
Maths: Uh, forgotlah

Add Maths: Just sitlah and cry
Sama-sama we all die
EST: So lazy…
Where’s the bloody point?

Inilah perangai
Pelajar Form 5
But tell me lah…
Do you like exams?

Dumped... As a Friend (Story)[long]

2007-10-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

“Then he was saying he dumped you as a friend, so now he’s a loner. So I told him he couldn’t have dumped you because you must have dumped him for who in their right mind would dump you,” Alyssa or Aly, as I called her, explained me as we walked down the road, licking our ice creams.
“Eleh, you would know meh whether or not I was dumped before?” I said in a teasing voice. It was a sunny, warm day with faint whispers of breeze visiting us every now and again. The sun was beginning its journey to the other side of the world, marking the ending of the day.
“I know,” came her reply. “In primary there was once. You told me the story before. And mana tau maybe you were dumped by your best friend once upon a time.”
I didn’t know who she was referring to as my best friend so I ignored her comment; it came every now and then, her words filled with its own mysteries and hidden meanings. “Since when? Anyway, the past is the past. It doesn’t matter what happened.”
Aly nodded her head thoughtfully. She could sense that this was something I didn’t want to talk about. “Yeah, but you have to be careful not to let the past affect your future. Shit happens but it doesn’t mean you should hide away that part of you just because something bad happened before. You don’t lock up your heart because someone broke it in the past. Don’t let it hold you down.”
There it was again, the riddles. Aly sometimes spoke or asked questions that were laced with her own emotions but she would sometimes hardly reveal the true meaning of her words. It irritated me sometimes but then after awhile, I just got used to it. “Yeah, tell that to yourself first. Have you been dumped before?” I asked her, forcing the change of direction where our conversation was heading.
“Of course. Who hasn’t?”
“Have you dumped anyone before?” I was in the mood today. Aly called it humouring her but to me, it was just another layer of me that I hardly exposed; the curious side.
“Of course.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know,” came her short reply.
It wasn’t the type answer I had expected so I asked again, “Who la?”
She licked away at her ice cream then glanced at me before she opened her mouth to speak. “Who hasn’t dumped someone before? We do it all the time; it’s just that we don’t realize it, that’s all. We don’t see when we’re hurting someone by doing what we want or what we think is just natural. That’s a sucky quality we all have. By simply choosing to hang out with one friend instead of another who expects our company, that’s dumping already. I’ve done it before, of course. I’ll end up doing it again. But I don’t like doing it.”
“But then you’d also have to understand why you’re being dumped wert. I mean, if your friend has something she wants to say or do with someone else then you can’t expect her to still choose you all the time.” Somehow, I felt as if this was a battle. It’s a topic we have touched on and experienced time and time again to the point where our friendship almost shattered.
“It’s not as simple as that. I get it when I get dumped. Truly, I do. I mean, I understand when you want to spend time just hanging out with Melanie, Nat or anyone of your friends but somehow it still comes knocking. And as for me dumping people, sometimes it’s for the pure reason that I prefer the company of another than that one particular person so it makes me feel bad for doing it when I realize what I did and why. I’d feel bad because I’d feel like it’s favouritism even though I know everyone does it but it doesn’t mean it’s right,” she explained intently. Sometimes it was like she could read my emotions and know how I felt or what I was thinking, then she’d know just what to say to make me lower the defences I had mentally formed around me.
“So why don’t you just stop doing it if it makes you feel bad?” I suggest.
“Well,” she started then stopped. “It’s not that simple. It’s complicated.”
“Ok. So did you feel bad when you were dumped?” I asked carefully, engrossing myself in the melting flavoured ice on the stick I held.
“Yes and no.”
“Ok, stop with the riddles. Did you feel bad?”
“Yes and no lah. Sometimes yes when I felt as if I was being shoved aside and sometimes no when I knew that my position was only a temporary stint,” Aly finally said.
“Temporary?” I questioned. “What does that mean?”
“It means-“ she paused and chewed on the last of her jelly ice cream. “It means that after you have fulfilled what you need to do, you don’t have to be around anymore.”
“And you don’t feel bad about being- used like that?” I asked incredulously. I really didn’t get her sometimes.
Aly sighed as if she was trying to explain basic math to a form 5. “I call it being there for your friends when they need you simply because you are or were friends once upon a time regardless of anything, anyone or anytime. Usually this happens with people I’m friends with but I’m not really close to them. When they need me, I’ll be there but once they don’t, I’m content with fading into the background.”
“So why don’t you feel bad about it?” I glanced around before casually tossing my ice cream stick onto the ground.
“Kaydee! Jeez. You ah. Well, I don’t feel bad because some people are not as lucky as I am to have good friends who stick by me through thick and thin, who support, trust and believe in me. So when shit happens, some people find that their friends are gone for a variety of reasons and just being there for them makes a world of difference. Once the problems are all cleared up and usually their friends returned, everything goes back to normal meaning I fade out of the equations.”
“Makes sense, I guess,” I mused and let her words roll around in my head. “Well,” I said as we reached the front of my house, “I’ll be seeing you-“
Aly laughed. “When? No more school. No more SPM. It’s no longer a fixed fate for us to meet. It’s in our hands! It’s our choice! I’m crapping again.”
“Yea, I’m used to it,” I assured her, fishing my keys out of my pocket. “We’ll just plan another outing, ok? Pretty soon you’ll be going on your student exchange program and I’ll be off to England to study so we better lepak while we can.”
“Uh huh.” Aly slowly moved backwards. “While we can. So I’ll be seeing you-,” she said cheerfully. “while I can. But hey, remember. Don’t let your past affect the future. That primary school friend of yours doesn’t sound that nice and you know what I think of the other friends we have in common. There are good friends out there so don’t give up.”
“Ok. I won’t forget. Bye, you crazy girl,” I laughed as I waved. Aly waved back and broke into a jog towards her house.
“David, where’s mummy?” I asked my 13 year old brother as I entered the living room and dumped my keys onto the piano.
“Huh? Upstairs,” he answered, captivated by the television. He was sprawled out on the couch, half-naked with only a pillow covering his chest.
Without another word I went up to my room, shut the door and lay on my bed. I closed my eyes and sighed. She did it again; filled my head with thoughts and feelings I didn’t want to have. “Forever and ever,” the words just floated into my head and it took me several moments to recall where they came from. “Her birthday letter,” I mouthed and sat up.
My gaze travelled to the bottom drawer of my cupboard and without realizing it, I crossed the distance of my room and pulled it open. Neatly stacked by the side were envelopes, some crammed full with notes, papers or cards. I pulled out the whole stack and began pulling open each one, letting the memories and words flood my mind.
“Best friends forever!”
“All the best!”
“We’ll always be there for you.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“You’re always so-“
“Hey!”
“Bye…”
“Never forget-“
“Remember me?”
“Miss you what!”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Why cant you just-“
“Hey, thanks for everything-“
Everything flows and nothing is held back. A knot of emotion forms in my chest and seems to constrict my breathing. Aly and I are friends but she doesn’t know me as well as she thinks she does. She’ll never know of all the memories that lie in these papers simply because.
“Friends?” I don’t remember the meaning of the word. I though I did. I thought I had them. But these were just thoughts and wishes. My stupidity caused me so much pain when I got myself too attached so I promised myself I would never let it happen again.
“All the best! Friends forever and we will always be there for you.” I snorted when I read these words. Closing my eyes, the memory washed through my mind, pushing all other things aside.

March 2005
“At least you get to enter ‘heaven’ even if it’s only sometimes. I pula still knocking on the door, once in a while only I get to stick my leg inside,” Nora complained to Rachel, her gestures as wild as the mood they had set.
“You get to masuk halfway; I’m still trying to run up the down-escalator. Can imagine them looking at me through the security camera and saying, ‘Make it go faster! Don’t let her come up!’” Anna laughed with them as she mimicked watching a screen on the classroom table.
“Then they’ll be pushing the buttons,” Nora added as she pushed and pulled at imaginary buttons and levers. “Make the doors keep opening and closing and the escalator go down faster.”
“Never mind, when I get inside I will burn down the control room so you two can come in too and we will rule over them!” Rachel tried an evil laugh which sent them into new fits of laughter.
I gave them an odd look as I entered the class and walked to my seat at the front of the class, next to Rachel. Their gazes fixed on me. “What?” I asked them.
Nora let out a dramatic sigh as Rachel patted me on the shoulder. “So good for you. You are in ‘heaven’ already and they never kick you out,” Rachel said to me.
“Yeah and you don’t have to keep knocking to get inside then when you get in, it’s only for awhile and you don’t even get warning when they kick you out,” Nora added.
“Hey, still better than me! Running up the escalator.” Anna laughed.
“Right. What are you guys talking about?” I asked with caution.
The three of them exchanged looks. “Heaven and the door,” Nora finally said. “And all the angels inside.”
“Please lar. Angels? Doubt it,” Anna retorted.
“Kononnya angels lah. They think they are angels,” Rachel corrected Nora. “But they are not.”
“Exactly. So why are we so upset about this? We already agree there’s nothing super special about them so why do we need to get into their ‘heaven’ anyway?” Anna asked them. They seemed oblivious to my presence and I just watched their conversation with amusement.
“True. True. Let’s form our own gang then we don’t need them at all. Then they will come and knock on our door, begging us to let them in,” Rachel exclaimed, throwing her hands around to emphasize her point. “But we won’t let them in! We’ll make them run up the escalator and knock on the door until their hands are like, practically falling off.”
The three of them burst into new fits of laughter that was soon drowned out by the sound of the school bell, signalling the end of recess. Laughter turned into groans as Anna and Nora left the class after the ‘goodbye’s were over.
“What was that about?” I asked Rachel over the growing buzz of teenage conversation which was growing stronger and louder with every face that walked back into the class.
“Nothing lah. We were just crapping about some people.” Rachel heaved a heavy sigh. “Not all of us are as lucky as some people, like you, to have a group that accepts us completely.”
I pretended not to hear her as I pulled my pencil box out of my bag. Five minutes later, we were all bent over our books, furiously copying down mathematic equations as our teacher wrote them out in a speed that could have given an F1 racer a run for his money.
‘Not all of us are as lucky as some people, like you...’ Yeah right. I knew exactly who they were talking about and I knew Rachel was completely wrong about me being a part of their so-called elite group.
Those ‘friends’ called me when they needed something and never stuck around long enough when I had problems unless, of course, they decided it was something interesting like a guy problem. Even just now at recess, I just sat at the sidelines of the table while the core of the group had the time of their lives. Just like Nora, and Anna, they probably felt I wasn’t good enough for them. I knew just how they felt. Rachel on the other hand was like their darling. Only she was too blind to realize it.
With a sudden start I realized I was left behind. I quickly resumed my work and shoved all thoughts of them out of my mind.
I don’t need friends.

April 1999
Once again I was more or less sitting by myself during recess. My ‘best friend’ Jessica had her own group of friends now. Ever since she got into a better class than I did, she’s been acting as if I didn’t exist. It hurt. We’ve been friends for three years and now she doesn’t even look at me.
I don’t need friends.

May 2005
“Kaydee, are you going for badminton practice later?” Trisha asked me.
“Um, yeah. Why?” I cringed over the phone as I heard my mum lecturing my sister and my brother upstairs. She wasn’t in a good mood.
“Oh ok. Um, Shaun asked if he can tumpang you because he got no transport,” she started.
“Cant you guys fetch him?” I asked hurriedly. “You guys going as well, right?”
“Actually, that’s also another thing I wanted to ask. Can you fetch all three of us? Because my mum is out so me and my sister also don’t have transport,” she asked.
I was stunned for a moment. In the first place, why couldn’t Shaun call me and ask me himself? And shouldn’t Trisha and her sister have arranged for transport earlier if their mum is out? “Um, I don’t know,” I started reluctantly. There was no way I could ask my mum now!
“Please lah, Kaydee. Just to go there only. Coming back my mum can pick us up,” Trisha pleaded.
“Kaydee!” my mum’s voice sounded from upstairs.
“Yeah, ok,” I told Trisha. “I’ll see you later.” I quickly put down the phone and rushed upstairs.
Ten minutes later, I got into the car. My mum started the engine and slowly backed out of the driveway. It was now or never. “Um, Shaun, Trisha and Natalie asked if can pick them up for badminton practice.”
“What? And you told them ok?”
I nodded nervously. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you ask me first?” her tone was loud and accusing.
“They- They just only called just now.”
“You ah. Just tell people you can fetch them without even asking me first. Always let yourself get used like this. Did they ever offer to fetch you? Your friends ask you something and you can’t say no to them.” Her lecture continued on and on as she drove to Shaun’s house.
I don’t need friends.

June 2003
I trailed after Yamuna and Amanda. There was nothing I could do except watch them walk side my side, laughing at things that happened in their classes. I grit my teeth. Amanda, my best friend for years, always acts like I suddenly don’t exist. I couldn’t even get a single moment alone with Amanda during recess anymore.
I followed them as they went to sit down at the pondok behind the science labs. At least here I could concentrate on my writing and ignore them. Hah. More like ignore the fact that they’re ignoring me. I flipped open my exercise book and started on a new chapter of my new story.
“What’s that?” Sakunthala, a girl from Yamuna’s class asked me.
I looked up, surprised and flattered with the sudden attention.
“It’s rubbish,” Yamuna said to her.
“It’s my story,” I told Sakun, pretending I didn’t hear Yamuna. What did she know? “Do you want to read?”
Before Sakun could even open her mouth to answer me, Yamuna started, “Don’t read it, it’s rubbish!”
I stared at her and Amanda. Wasn’t Amanda even going to say anything? Without a word, I picked up my book, got up and walked away. When I turned the corner I glanced back and what I saw tore my heart. There was no one behind me. My ‘best friend’ didn’t bother to stand up for me or even come after me.
I don’t need friends.

April 2006
I regret the way I tried to set my cousin up with the girl he likes, my good friend Sarah. Now Sarah and I are fighting because of a guy!
Sarah doesn’t realize how I feel. She’s always leaving me alone to be with him. What happened to our friendship? It’s like now that she has him, she doesn’t need me and that bites.
Sometimes I feel like I have no friends at all. They all just look like friends but actually I’m all alone and I don’t have anyone to talk to. All of them would willingly pass on the latest piece of gossip about me even if it’s not true. Hah… Would you call these friends?
I don’t need friends.

I pulled myself out of my memory lane. I still don’t think I need friends but sometimes it’s nice having them around. I guess Aly was right. Some friends- are friends. This year I ditched all of my so-called friends and made new friends. Or actually, new friends came to me. They were a wacky bunch with their own set of bad habits and situations, but sometimes they were better friends even if they do drive me up the wall a million times a week. I don’t have a best friend. I don’t even know the meaning of that word. But I have good friends, close friends, and maybe even one day, I’ll know what it means to have true friends.

“Everyone gets dumped… as a friend. It’s realizing that fact and getting over it because you dump people too without realizing it. If you want true friends, you have to try to be one first. Because good attracts good and when people see how well and how fairly you treat others, they will come to you and then it’s your job to sort out the true from the fake,” Aly told me in one of her long-winded monologues.
“So how would you know who is true or fake?”
“Stop expecting to meet someone that you’ll get along with the very moment you lay eyes on. A true friend is someone that you have such strong bonds with that it overcomes any problem or trouble you encounter. Well, this is my view. You can form yours as you go along. But you have to believe they’re out there.”
“So do you have any true friends?” I asked her
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“A few. I’m lucky in that sense. I have amazing friends, like you.”
“ Why-“ I started then paused. “Why do you tell me you love me?”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s the truth. And everyone needs to know they are loved so I’m just reminding you.”

One day…

Best Friends (Story)[medium]

2007-10-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

Dear B,
Gosh, it seems like years since I’ve written to you but it’s only been a few months if you also count those I’ve written halfway but then abandoned because I don’t know what or how to say what it is on my mind. I know this is sudden and you’d say it’s soppy but I miss you so much which is stupid because you are always around somewhere.
I remember how close we were. There was hardly a time when we weren’t together and if we happened to be, we always knew roughly where the other was. We always knew what the other was thinking or about to say. It was kind of cool; sometimes it seemed like we were twins. And we always talked on the phone. Remember our phone record? 5 hours and 47 minutes.
No two girls could have been closer. We poured out our hearts and souls to each other until we absorbed a part of each other into ourselves. We knew each other’s likes and dislikes till the most insignificant things like the fact that you always put on your right shoe first or that I have a silly fear of smashing into a big glass window because I didn’t know it’s there. I remembered your house number better than my own!
Sometimes I wondered how two so very different people could be friends. You were always the centre of attention while I was content with my quiet corner. I was quiet, a loner and quite anti-social while you were the opposite. You were and surely still are a devoted Christian while I attended church about twice a year if you don’t drag me there. We shared the same love for writing but even then we were different; I wrote centered on the present, teenage, while your works were adult and mature, based on the real outside world. I had no doubt you would have been first to publish a book.
All the differences seemed to become more glaring and obvious as our friendship progressed but it never took a toll on our relationship. We just learned to give and take and now when I think of it, it was ourselves that we gave and took. In the end we became a big part of each other and we it was like we had each other written into our souls and DNA.
You were always the best friend I had wished for as a child; loyal, trustworthy, true, kind, friendly, funny, understanding and witty. Everything I hoped for and more, you were all that. To tell the truth, sometimes I wondered what it was I ever did to deserve a friend as great as you. You weren’t perfect and neither was I but in a way that’s what made our friendship so special: going through the shit together with nothing but ourselves and each other.
I miss you so much. I often cannot help myself from thinking about that- incident that parted us. I remember how I kept looking by my side for you whenever I had a wisecrack to deliver or something to ask your opinion on. It took me awhile to realize you weren’t glued to my side anymore. It came with an odd sensation, a mix of emotions so complicated sometimes I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or go on with life. The worst part is that you were always somewhere, nearby but too far out of my reach. Till today I still wonder how could you?
I remember the first time I got my heart broken. You missed your first club meeting as President to be by my side and when you had to leave, you called me as soon as you could. I never really thanked you for that and for when you punched him for spreading rumors about me. That was and always will be one of the most amazing and memorable things I’ve ever witnessed. The memory still makes me grin.
I’m representing the school for volleyball (the ‘violent’ and ‘painful’ sport you dragged me into) but I bet you knew that already. I never doubted that you were there watching over me as usual although literally you weren’t. You were always oddly protective of me. Are you still like that?
The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine and we came up on the subject of you. I couldn’t help feeling this incurable pain and sadness as I thought of every moment we shared and every trial we had faced together. I couldn’t help wondering again, “How could you?” Then my friend asked me, “If you were in her position would you have done the same?” Without hesitation, I said yes. With a smug look, she leaned back into her chair and just looked at me. Oddly, I had never thought of that before. This realization left me confused and clear. I know its contradictory but it did.
I went for Youth service last Saturday and Pastor John asked, “What kind of friend would die for us so willingly? Who would?” He meant Jesus but all I could think of was you. I wondered what really made you do it. How you managed to push me to safety while you yourself got crushed by the tree. By all logic and reason, it wasn’t possible that I would be the one who survived. You had the highest chance of living but somehow you managed to do it; you saved me by sacrificing yourself. It just wasn’t possible! But you still managed to do it. I wonder why we were up in the stupid tree anyway.
Sometimes I hate you. I’d think, “How could she do this? How could she trade her life for mine? Why do I have to be the one who suffers from losing someone I love so much?” I know it’s stupid but I didn’t want to be the one who picked up the phone to call you only to realize the moment I hear your brother’s voice that you are never going to be on the other line again. I didn’t want to be the one who cycled past your house and look up at your window to look for your face then remember you’re no longer there. I wondered how you could let me ‘suffer’ like this by dying for me. Then I’d think, “Because she loves me.” I have never and will never doubt this simple truth.
Even as I write this, I know you are reading over my shoulder as you always do when I write. I hope that as you are reading you’ll know and always remember that I miss you and I love you too. You will always be my best friend and I can’t wait to see you again.

Forever,
Alex

So What? (Poem)

2007-09-29T11:48:00.001+08:00

Let me ask you a question:
So what if I like him?
If I think he’s cute?
Does it really matter if I do?

So what if I like our chats
And the way he just knows?
We are good friends,
So what?

So what if I like him
For reasons you may not know?
You can’t possibly know
Why…

He cares, he’s fun
He understands.
He’s amusing, teasing
Annoying, sometimes

He’s funny and interesting
Witty and nuts
Frustrating yet nice
Smart yet stupid

You say you can see the future
One where we are together
Anything can happen, you say
Yes, and it may not

So what if we sometimes sit together
And once in a while we talk?
So what if we tease each other?
We are friends, are we not?

So what if we end up together?
So what if we will not?
So what if I like him?
We are good friends,
So what?

What If One Day (Poem)

2007-09-29T11:47:00.000+08:00

What if one day I said I love you
As I hold you close to me?
I would tell you of the times I wished
You were here beside me

Then I’d paint you a picture

Rising suns
The sky grows light
The new day filled with new events
Every step
Every breath
Something new or old
I always think of you even
As the sky streaks orange,
gold,
purple, blue,
And all the colors in between

Sometimes I close my eyes
Wonder if you hear my thoughts
Would you know that I love you?
Always have and always will
I would say my deepest feelings
All those I hid for so long
Things you never knew
Everything

Then you’ll see me
See with new eyes
For the first time
Who am I
I’m not the one you thought I’d be
Or maybe you always saw me
Even when I couldn’t

I know what’s in your heart
Sometimes I see me
You’re the book I love to read
The stars in my sky
The warmth in the rain
You are the one I love
Forever
No matter what
Because you love me
My friend

My Best Friend's Boyfriend (Story)[long]

2007-09-29T11:46:00.002+08:00

I could not believe it was really happening. My best friend’s boyfriend was asking me to the prom! Ok, he isn’t her boyfriend but he might as well be. She has had a huge crush on him for months. “Umm,” I didn’t know what to say. Scratch that. I knew what to say but I just didn’t know how to say it. “I was planning on going alone actually.”
“Oh,” his face fell. “So you won’t be my date?”
“No.” I answered Jeremiah flat out as I tried to stay calm. This was insane! He wasn’t supposed to ask me! What if Christine found out? Oh gosh. It would kill her. She’s been practically in love with him although she continues to deny it. I don’t know why she tries to; her feelings are so transparent to me. “Why don’t you ask someone else? Like Christine? She might like to go with you.”
“Umm, it’s ok,” he answered. I could see he was feeling more awkward by the moment. “I just thought I’d try and see if you’d go with me.”
“Sorry. I just want to go without a-“ the word was stuck at the back of my throat and I had to force it out. “date.”
“Ok. No lah. Just asking. Well anyway,” he said with forced cheerfulness as he got up from the chair in front of my table. “I better finish my Accounts tuition homework or my teacher will kill me.”
“Alright. I have to finish my add math.” The tension between us was so thick; it was hard to even breathe. He stood in place for a few moments. Bent over my book, I could feel the heat of his eyes on me. Finally he left and I heaved a sigh of relieve as I threw my pencil beside my book.
I couldn’t believe it.
All of a sudden the classroom seemed so suffocating and all together too quiet. With only a few weeks to our SPM examination, all my classmates were busy with their noses stuck into their books. I wished I could run out of class but Jeremiah would know it was because of his invitation. How would I explain this to Christine?
As if my thoughts summoned her, Christine sat herself in front of me with her Chemistry book in hand. “Hi,” she said brightly.
“Hi.” To me, my voice sounded high and weird. I could feel sweat forming on my forehead. Could I do this? Could I tell her something that would break her heart? Or if I didn’t, would I succeed in hiding it from her? “What are you doing here?” I said with a forced joking tone.
“I’m here to bug you like I always do. Besides, I sit here so often it’s practically my seat,” she joked back. Her expression changed into one filled with concern as she peered at me. “Hey, are you ok? You look kinda off to me.”
“Huh? Umm, I’m fine,” I cleared my throat and stared at my add math book. “Just tired. I slept kinda late last night.”
“Uh huh.” I could tell she wasn’t buying my excuse but she left me alone and attended to her own book.
I counted to fifteen and took a deep breath before looking up secretly at her. Her eyes darted left and right as she scanned the pages. Every now and then she would close her eyes briefly. I had always wondered why she did that and often thought it was to rest her eyes until one day she explained it was to picture, visualize, and process whatever she was reading.
I wondered if she knew what had just taken place; that Jeremiah had just asked me to the prom. I wondered what she would say if she knew. My head was a mess even without the help of add math. I didn’t want to hurt Jeremiah by turning him down since he’s a good friend but there is no way I could go with him because Christine likes him. She been saying recently that she doesn’t anymore but I knew she still had some feelings for him. Even if she didn’t like him anymore, I couldn’t go to the prom with a guy my best friend liked! It’s unheard of!
“Confused?” her voice appeared, penetrating my fortress of thoughts and scaring me. Did she know something? I looked up at her with wide eyes. She eyed me with an amused expression. “You haven’t done a single calculation in the last five minutes.”
Relief washed over me. She wasn’t talking about Jeremiah. “Umm, yeah.” I turned the book around and randomly pointed at a question I hadn’t solved. “This one.”
She picked up one of my pencils and started on the question. “This is an easy one.” She looked up at me. “What’s wrong? You’re acting pretty weird.”
“I told you, I’m just tired.” I pulled the book back out of her hands. “I’ll try again. I think my brain’s not working.” I stared down at the question. Add math is the last thing on my mind right now.
“Why don’t you rest for a while?” she suggested.
“Yeah, good idea.” I pushed the book aside and rested my head in my arms. I had to tell her. If she found out herself, she might never forgive me and I owe her that much. But how could I tell her something so awful?
The scene played in my head. I could see myself telling her Jeremiah asked me to the prom right before she has a heart attack or runs out of the class in tears. ‘Pull yourself together!’ I told myself. ‘Just tell her. You have to. After all, they are quite close and he might tell her himself and you’ll be in trouble then. She will find out even if you don’t tell her.’
‘But-‘
‘No buts! Just do it!’
‘How? It’s not so easy.’
‘Just say it. Now!’
I groaned inwardly as the argument takes place in my head. Ok. I had to do this. I took a deep breath, counted to three, then lifted my head. “Umm, Chris? I have something to tell you.”
She flipped the page before looking up from her book. “Yes?”
“Umm, well. I don’t know how to tell you this, but-“
“Just go with Jeremiah. I told you I don’t like him anymore. Yes, I already know. I’ve known that he likes you since last month and yes, it’s ok with me, I don’t mind. Although I know you think it’s weird to go with him because I used to like him, I think you should because he deserves a chance too. Besides, I rather see him at the prom with you.”
I stared at her, struck speechless by what she had just said. Bitch, she already knew!

Are You-? (Story)[medium]

2007-09-29T11:46:00.001+08:00

“You know something weird that happen today?” Xin Ling asked her best friend, Danielle as they were walking home from school. They lived very near each other and never a school day went by without them walking together.
“What?” Danielle asked, swiping the back of her hand across her forehead. It was a hot afternoon and the sun was shining mercilessly. Mother Nature seemed to have not a single ounce of pity for them for there was not even a small breeze every now and then to make walking in the heat a little less torturous.
“Earlier when I was packing my bag, Jael was hanging around. Then all of a sudden just said, ‘ngo cung yee chor ley’ and then just left.”
Danielle turned Xin Ling’s cap backwards and looked at her with a funny grin. “And that is Hokkien for-? Verbatim please.”
With a huff, Xin Ling pulled the cap off her head and restored it to its rightful position. “I don’t care about looking cool. The cap is to protect me from the sun. What the shit is verbatim?”
Danielle laughed at Xin Ling’s choice of words. Danielle and Xin Ling were as different as they came. While one was studious and responsible, Danielle was outgoing and carefree. Where Xin Ling was tensioned and never had enough hours in her day, Danielle was relaxed and had plenty of time for her various hobbies. In a way, it was a good thing that they were so different; they rubbed off on each other and fixed each other’s flaws without realizing it and opened up new worlds for each other for example, Xin Ling now played sports and Danielle studied more.
“Verbatim is originally Latin meaning ‘word for word’ or ‘in exactly the same words’. In basic English, I want a word for word translation,” Danielle explained as she tugged on her sling bag strap, which was digging into the skin of her neck, rubbing it raw. “This bag is so killing me!”
“So stop switching bags,” Xin Ling scolded lightly, transferring the books in her right hand to her left. Pulling Danielle to a stop, she tucked the bag strap under Danielle’s collar and then continued walking.
“Wow. Thanks. Much better. I still don’t get why you never leave any books in your desk yet your bag is so small and light while my bag probably weighs as much as my sister.”
“Notice the books in my hand. Not to mention your bag is filled with your many notebooks filled with God-knows-what nonsense,” Xin Ling teased and poked Danielle in the side.
“Ow! Haha. Very funny,” Danielle stuck out her tongue and pulled a cheeky face at her friend. “But as you were saying earlier about Jael?”
“Ah. Well, in English, she said, ‘I like you already’.”
Danielle laughed. “Are you serious? Oh my gosh! Xin Ling, Xin Ling.” She made a ‘tsk tsk’ sound and shook a finger at Xin Ling. “You are too pretty for your own good.”
“But it’s nothing. I mean, it is normal but just a bit weird. Girls- Girls always show these small affections.” Seeing the skeptical, laughing look on Danielle’s face she added, “Right?”
“Girls generally don’t tell each other, ‘I like you’ unless of course the girl in question is- you know,” Danielle shrugged. “unless the girl likes the other girl in ‘that’ way. There are a few exceptions of course.”
Xin Ling rolled her eyes. Just because Jael told me she likes me doesn’t mean she- likes me in the other way! It could be just as friends! And if girls don’t say I like you then what do they say?”
Danielle gave her a lopsided grin. “I love you.”
“Eww!”
“Hey, it doesn’t have to mean the romantic kind of love! It’s just the ‘I care about you and I love you’ kind. Kind of the love you have for your family; just the simple, innocent ‘I care’ love,” Danielle explained
Xin Ling shook her head. “This is just too weird for me to handle. So what you’re saying is that Jael could be a lesbian and that she has a crush on me?”
“Lesbian or bisexual; there’s a difference. She might or might not be,” Danielle laughed. “I’m just saying. It could be crap after all you know I’m the so-called, self-proclaimed expert.”
Xin Ling gave a sigh. “This is just- weird. I’m new to this. I don’t know anyone who is a lesbian!” She threw her hands up in the air and pulled her cap off to fan her flushed face.
“Yes, you do.”
Xin Ling stared at Danielle with an incredulous expression. Did Danielle know someone who was?
“You probably just don’t realize it,” Danielle continued without missing a beat. “After all, its not really noticeable especially if the person is bisexual.”
“Ok, what is a bisexual in the first place? What’s the difference from a gay or a lesbian?” Xin Ling asked. For some reason, Danielle had an opinion on just about everything. She knew all kinds of facts and information, whether she was right and sane at the moment was another issue.
It was one of the things that intrigued Xin Ling about Danielle. She often got the feeling that there was a reason Danielle knew all this and there was always more than would meet the eye. All of the questions, however random they may seem ranging from topics about the superhuman ability to regenerate body cells to whether they believed in miracles or her views on various topics, gave the feeling that it was some how connected to Danielle. Of course, mentioning such a theory would gain a skeptical look and a twinkle of laughter as her best friend scurried in her mind to lock herself away; or so Xin Ling felt. “A bisexual person or ambisexual is someone who likes both males and females. It also means a person who is a hermaphroditic meaning the combination of both male and female organs in a person. However, usually when we say someone is bi, we mean that person likes both guys and girls. A gay or lesbian is just a homosexual, someone who is attracted to persons or the same sex,” Danielle explained intently as if she was just explaining the uses of group 17 elements in everyday life.
“Ah. So who do you know who’s a homosexual or bisexual? You seem particularly knowledgeable in this particular topic,” Xin Ling teased, taking a shot at unlocking the closet of skeletons.
“Hey, its general knowledge and I’m always knowledgeable about topics I’m knowledgeable about.”
“You know that makes no sense, right?” Shaking her head, Xin Ling laughed. “C’mon, spill! Who’s gay?”
“Probably not you. Who said anyone was gay?” Danielle said with a laughing expression, making wild hand gestures to illustrate her words.
“Didn’t you? From the way you talk, it sure sounds like it. So is Jael a lesbian or not? You’re killing me with suspense. I could drop dead any moment now,” Xin Ling said, linking her arm with Danielle’s.
“It’s possible. Maybe or maybe not. Any thing is possible but its best not to be judgmental or to jump to conclusions without and substantial proof.” Although Danielle said this with a cheerful face, Xin Ling knew she really meant what she said.
It was something she loved about Danielle; she always knew when to be serious and always stopped to think of the other side of things like all the ‘maybes’ and ‘what-if?’ She was open to new things and all the possibilities. This taught Xin Ling to do the same.
They walked on in silence. Xin Ling glanced at Danielle and smiled. It was nice to see Danielle looking so cheerful and relaxed. The last few weeks, there seemed to be something on her mind but she would never talk about it or even admit there was something wrong.
‘How do you fix what you don’t know is broken? How do you talk when you don’t know what to say? How do you help when you don’t know what needs to be done?’ Xin Ling thought and snuck another peek at Danielle. She was slightly taken aback to see that a small frown had settled over Danielle’s face.
“But imagine if Jael was really a lesbian or maybe a bisexual. What would you think? What’s your opinion on it?” Danielle asked suddenly. She had this look on her face, it was the need to know, the thirst for truth; that look was, in a way, indescribable.
“Well,” Xin Ling began slowly, carefully thinking over her answer lest it were to contradict herself or condemn her. “Like I said, I’m pretty new to this kind of thing. I don’t understand why those people feel or think the way they do. But it’d be ok. I mean, Jael would still be my friend and all. So she likes people from the same gender. It doesn’t mean her personality has changed just because I know she prefers girls and it’s still her, its still Jael. She hasn’t changed. The world is still revolving and the only thing different is that I know something new about her.”
Danielle nodded her head, digesting her words. “That makes sense. But you know a lot of people think it’s not right.”
“I know that. I’m not saying its right but at the same time, I’m just not saying its wrong.” Xin Ling spoke with a firm tone, set in her decision. “What’s up, Danny? What’s bothering you?”
Danielle was startled by her question. She opened her mouth to speak but Xin Ling cut her off.
“You should know that I’m asking because I care and I want to know. You’re my best friend and I want to be there for you no matter what. I love you as my friend. Unconditional love, remember?”
“The question here is not ‘what’s wrong?’” Danielle seemed to hesitate and looked as if she wished she could pull back her words. “The question is ‘what’s right?’. And that’s all I want to say about it right now.”
Xin Ling sighed but nodded her head all the same. At least it was a start. “But you know this topic’s not closed yet, don’t you? You’re going to have to tell me sooner or later.”
Danielle smiled and gave Xin Ling’s hand a gentle squeeze. It was touching to see Xin Ling to concern over her. “I know and I will. Just not now.”
Xin Ling heaved a defeated sigh. Then a thought hit her. “Danny, are you-“
Danielle raised her eyebrows, “am I what?”
“Are you a lesbian? You can tell me, you know.”
“I assure you,” Danielle told her with a wide grin as if the very thought was a very humorous thing. “I’m not a les and even if I were to be one, I’d tell you, rest assured.”
Xin Ling shrugged thoughtfully. That works for me. So,” she glanced down the street they had just stopped at. “I guess I’ll be going now. Walk safe!”
“Au revoir. Till we meet again,” Danielle said with a dramatic flair, pretending to wipe away a tear from under her eye.
“Yeah. At tuition in two hours.”
True. True. So see ya!” Danielle winked and started walking again.
She had only taken a few steps when Xin Ling called out, “Danielle!” She turned and gave Xin Ling a questioning look.
“So are you-“ Xin Ling looked hesitant to finish her sentence and this time, Danielle did not help her out. “Are you a bisexual?” the word rolled off her tongue, sounding and tasting like some foreign food with a flavor she was not used to or comfortable with.
Danielle blinked a few times and just looked at her. “No, I’m not. Are you?” She asked with this- challenging tone as if she was trying to do and achieve something.
Xin Ling raised an eyebrow and took a deep breath. “Yes.”
Danielle’s face cracked with a smile. “Do you want to know something? I knew that already.”
“Then why did you ask me? How did you know?” Xin Ling asked nervously wondering what were the things that were running through Danielle’s mind and then deciding that she didn’t really want to know.
“Because I wanted you to be the one to tell me and I just knew.” Danielle laughed. “And why do you look as if you just might just faint at any moment?”
“And you’re ok with it?” She ignored Danielle’s last question. “You don’t care?”
“Like you said, Xin Ling. You’re still the same. Your personality is still of the person I love, my best friend. I don’t care.”
“Thanks.” Xin Ling cleared her throat. “I mean it. Thank you.”
Danielle closed the distance between them and gave Xin Ling a hug. “Seriously, it’s cool with me.”
“Oh.” Xin Ling gave her a lopsided grin. “Then I should have told you sooner, shouldn’t I?”
“Maybe,” Danielle laughed. “See you later, alligator.”
“That is so lame!” Xin Ling cried out.
“Go home. And I’ll see you later,” Danielle said as she walked off with a casual wave thrown over her shoulder.
Xin Ling stood, watching. There were and probably would never be the words to describe Danielle and how incredible she was but for now, she was content with just thanking God for the amazing friend she had.

Call Him (Story)[medium]

2007-09-29T11:45:00.001+08:00

“Call him. Call him!” a part my mind egged me on as I weighed the phone in my hand. “But I’ve never talked to him on the phone before. What if he thinks it’s weird?” the other part, the shy and reluctant, spoke up.
“Stop worrying! You spend so much time together in school and your phone inbox is usually full of messages from him!”
“Yeah but that is all as friends!”
“So? Just call him- as friends.”
The battle raged on in my head as the music floated out of my computer speakers. ‘No chance, no way. I wont say it, no, no.’ I rolled my eyes at the irony.
“Do you like him?” asked a third voice from the depths of my mind. “Do you have those feelings for him?”
“I-“ the words were lodged at the back of my throat and I couldn’t force them out because I wasn’t sure what they were. “Eergh!” a deep groan resounded from inside me. It wasn’t that I didn’t know but a case of I didn’t want to admit my feelings, not even to myself.
I closed my eyes and sunk onto my bed. For one moment, I promised myself only one moment, I thought of Leon. My friend and favorite idiot that took pleasure in teasing me. Over the last few months, we had formed a strange friendship, one that mimicked the bond between siblings, followed the lines of friendship yet fluttered in the air every now and then as the suggestion and faint hint of something ‘more than just friends’. What I didn’t know was if he saw it too.
His smile, the sound of his voice, all the times when I felt him near me; it just sends this jolt through my senses. I don’t want to have to breath, speak, move or even think. I sighed as I breathed in the cool air flowing from my air-cond. When I can feel the heat of his body near mine- it’s lucky that my best friend hasn’t figured out how I feel by now.
I smiled as I thought of Adrianna or Adie as I called her. Adie was the one who brought Leon and me together as friends. She was the catalyst and glue. The three of us were so tight, our classmates and other friends many a times thought he was together with one of us. Adie. I laughed imagining her reaction if she knew. She’s been teasing me every now and then about my friendship and closeness to Leon. Sometimes I would tell her she was just jealous.
It was confusing, how I felt. My emotions were like the wind; invisible yet appearing in full force at the most random of times. I didn’t want this but my emotions were undeniable and growing with every passing day.
“If only you could tell me what to do, Adie,” I murmured as I sat up. My eyes roamed the contents in my room, eyeing the things that made this room me. Books stacked randomly, not yet placed onto my shelves. Papers in messy piles on every surface including the floor; fliers, bags and cds. Getting up, I swipe my house keys and hand phone off my study table and head down my spiral stairway.
Within minutes I was out of the house with the wind flying past me as I sped along on my bicycle. The weather was perfect. The sun had not yet set while the air was cool and damp; it had rained an hour ago. Familiar roads and houses passed me by as I headed off to my mysterious destination, so mysterious I had not figured out where it was.
Then it came. I squeezed the brakes and came screeching to a halt at the path leading into the park. The sound of the ice-cream man’s bell and the cheerful screams and laughter of children drew me in like a person in the desert craving for shelter. “Leon, Leon, on my mind. I think about him all the time.” The random rhyme popped into my head and a steady blush colored my cheeks.
“Maybe I’ll just send him a message,” I told myself and extracted my phone from the bottom of my pocket. After all, I messaged him all the time and sometimes we left them hanging for hours and the conversation would drag itself on for days. I smiled at the memories.
“Hey, sesat girl!”
It was his voice. I turned and when I saw him, the smile on my face froze and the words on my lips just faded away. He was with a girl I had never seen before. No, I had seen her before in one of the pictures on his phone. She was slim, pretty and had a figure I would die for. In short, she was what I am not.
“How come you’re suddenly at the park? Where’s Adrianna?” He asked, closing the distance between us but yet I couldn’t help noticing that he was always by her side.
“At home, I think. I don’t have to go everywhere with her, you know,” I retorted, trying to keep a calm mask on my face to hide my emotions. Who is this girl? His friend? His girlfriend?
“Oh, this is Celina,” he offered the meager piece of information. “Celine, this is my classmate, Alex.”
Classmate. The word echoed in my mind. That’s who I am to him. Not the friend but the classmate. I swallowed my hurt and smiled. “Hi. How do you know this idiot?”
She laughed. “Oh, Leon and I are tuition friends and he’s supposed to be teaching me how to play Frisbee.”
“Cool. That’s – nice,” I managed.
“Want to play? Some of the guys are here. You can play game with them if you want,” Leon gestured further into the park. I looked and true enough I could make out some of the boys from my class running around just further ahead.
“Maybe I’ll just say hi to them,” I said casually and pushed my bicycle in their direction. Anything to get away.
“So you’ve met his new girlfriend?” Daniel grinned as he pulled the Frisbee out towards Ben.
“Girlfriend?” the word rolled around my mouth like a foreign food I wasn’t sure I liked; it left a sour and stale taste on my lips as I uttered it.
“Yeah, just official last night. He’s been after her for months.” Daniel throws a glance at me. “Didn’t you know?”
I shrugged nonchalantly. “He doesn’t tell me much personal stuff. We just usually crap and argue. We’re not that close,” I forced a laugh and grinned at Daniel. “Anyway, I just stopped to say hi. I got to go.”
“Ok. See you tomorrow!”
I nodded my head and turned away, hoping that he wouldn’t notice the tears forming in my eyes. I got onto my bike and sped out of the park, praying desperately I wouldn’t have to face Leon and his new girlfriend. I cycled out and up the road that lead towards my house but stopped just outside a place I knew and loved. I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat as I held my phone to my ear, waiting to hear the one voice I needed so badly.
“Hello?”
“Adie, are you home? Can I come over now? I need to talk to you.”
“Who’s this?”
A chortle escaped me. I had woken her up from her nap. “Adie, it’s me. Can I come over.” It came out sounding like a statement, not a question.
“Huh? Oh. Ok. What happened? Come on over. Where are you? Are you ok?” she asked, question after question.
I stayed silent for a moment and raised my eyes a few meters to the window on the second story.
“Alex?”
“I’m outside your house.”
“What? Yeah, ok. Come on in. But give me a moment before you come in my room.”
I rang the doorbell and after the curtains pulled back for a moment, the gate swung open. “Hi, Alexandra. Adrianna expecting you?” her mum greeted me as she unlocked the grill gate. She was used to me dropping br randomly.
“Hi, Aunty. Yeah, just called her a moment ago,” I offered a smile before I entered the house.
“Ok then. Just go on up. She’s hibernating in her room again.”
“Thanks.” I darted up the stairs and knocked on Adie’s door.
“Come in!”
I swung the door open, walked in and closed it after me. Adie was sitting cross legged on her bed and gave me a questioning look as I entered. I just stood rooted to one spot as if I was in a completely unfamiliar place and moment. Then, out of no where, a lone sob escaped me.
“Hey, come here. What’s wrong?” a new tenderness entered her voice as she got up and pulled me towards her. I sank myself onto the floor.
“I saw Leon with his new girlfriend,” I blurted then felt stupid and hurt, hearing those words out loud.
“And you feel upset because you like him,” she said. “I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you but I just didn’t want to hurt you unnecessarily because I thought she didn’t like him.”
I looked up at her with a look of pure disbelieve. “You know? You knew?” Adie nodded her head, looking slightly ashamed. “You know I like him? How?”
“Because I know you.” She looked me straight in the eye as she delivered the line I had so often used on her.
I groaned as tears flowed down my cheeks uncontrollably and my body started to shake with the silent sobs I choked out. The pain was unbearable. Of all things, this was the most unexpected. “How am I supposed to face him?”
“Like you always do,” Adie answered me. “It’s ok. It’ll be alright.” She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair. “Cry if you have to.”
At least I still have my Adie.

An Inspired Story (Story)[Shorter Version]

2007-09-29T11:44:00.000+08:00

I close my eyes and raise my head to the heavens. Isn’t it strange how you never realize what you have or what you’ve done wrong until it’s too late? I get up and walk to the window, still clutching the letter in my hand. The view, in contrast to my emotions, is bright and beautiful.
My gaze rests on the few sheets of paper in my head. It’s hard to believe it; it’s hard to believe I didn’t see it coming. I turn from the window and settle back into my chair. I unfold the letter and begin to read it again.

Dear Lauren,
There are so many things on my mind that I don’t know how or where to begin. Conditions would dictate that this became a soppy, no-matter-what-happens letter but then again, I dislike following clichés. So maybe it would be best if I simply spoke my mind and pour my heart out onto these pages.
I pray that you don’t find these letter offensive for I don’t mean it to be. It’s just that these things have long been bottled up in my heart and no matter how I try to reduce the pressure, it continues to rise. It’s not anger I feel, but frustration. I guess everything is just – exploding out.

You never seem to understand why I’m pissed off and even when I am you just brush me aside like a small kid that ‘sedang merajuk’. You never really see how much I actually do and help. Like the time before the annual Sports House meeting. You were “in a rush” so you asked me to help bring up the books you had just bought, to class after recess. I went upstairs thinking, “if she’s in a rush, wouldn’t it be better if I bring up her bag too? Then she wouldn’t have to stop in class on the way to the lab”. So I took your bag up to the Physics laboratory. When you appeared, you scolded me. You said we were like idiots to bring up our bags when so few others did the same. I kept quiet. In the end, we were rushing out of the lab to go to the meeting. I commented that it was a good thing we didn’t have to go back down to class for anything. You didn’t remark. It’s ok. I forgave you. Unfortunately, I never could forget it.

You used to treat me like I’m stupid. Whenever I tried to help you with a question you were struggling with, you always needed to confirm with someone else first. Funnily, you never needed a second opinion if anyone else helped you. One day I got so fed up, I couldn’t help to share my frustration with two of our friends. Around a week later, you seemed to have suddenly realized that I have a brain! Maybe the two I had told had warned you of my frustration. Maybe God answered one of my prayers. I don’t know.

I don’t know why you call them your best friends. Although, you do have endless things to talk to them about to the point of totally ignoring me when they’re around. Yet oddly, when you need help or assistance of any kind, it’s me who steps up to the battling plate. Once, I suggested that you ask them to help you, not because I was unwilling to but simply because in this case, many hands make light work. You refused. You wouldn’t even tell the one closest to you. Weird, but I’m used to you being that way.

Let’s not forget that your best friends seem to dislike me. I don’t know why. I’m sure you do and I have the sinking feeling you hardly defend me against them. It’s ok. I guess I’m used to that too. How about the time when Colin asked me who my best friend was? He asked if it was you. “No”, you replied with such force that I was quite taken aback and embarrassed. That doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve forgiven that too, although in your eyes you might think in all these situations you are in the right. That too doesn’t matter.

If this is a fight, I’ll let you win every round but if you look at the big picture, who really wins the war? I’d be the first to admit that I’m not perfect. I always mess up and ruin things. I say and do things I shouldn’t. But you aren’t perfect either. You get angry easily at things you feel may cause you embarrassment. You’re a perfectionist in the strangest way and an irritating pessimist. In short, everything I’m not. Sometimes I think, if I were like you then none of this would ever happen. But if I were you then I wouldn’t be me. That’s who I want to be: myself, even if I’m not perfect but hey, no one is.

How did we even become friends? Do we have anything at all in common? Understand that these questions are not meant negatively. I was thinking about his for so long then I finally figured it out; you’re teaching me to climb the tallest tree and I’m your safety net.

You’re an example to me in many ways. You look down on yourself so often I learned never to do the same for myself. You’re focused and determined so I know it’s possible to be disciplined. You expect a lot from yourself so I learned to do the same to myself. You never cheat on your exams; you have a conscience bigger than everyone in our class put together and so I learned not to take the things I do or say too lightly.

I’m your safety net. I’ll be there for you when you have dark rings under your eyes and the signs that you’ve been crying are written all over your face. I’ll be there for you to do the smallest things like buying exercise books or ice lemon tea for you and the making two trips because they don’t have what you want. I’ll be there when the most vicious of all rumors fly around about you. I will mourn with you when you are in trouble and I will rejoice for you when you are too busy rejoicing with others to even see me. Just know that I don’t mean to sound bitter or angry but this is the truth through my eyes.

We don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe I’ll die tomorrow or maybe I’ll die next year. I don’t like to think far ahead. Tomorrow is far enough, isn’t it? So no matter what happens, just remember to look up and never look back. Through thick and thin, I will always love you as my friend.

Smile always because that is when you look the most beautiful. God bless.

Making a difference,
Amanda.

There is a knock on the door and I jerk my head up. It’s our friend, Jake. I can tell he has been crying.
“Hi. Has he been here long?” He looked at Amanda’s brother who is lying fast asleep in an armchair on the corner of the hospital’s room.
“Longer than I have anyway.”
“Why so bitter?” he settles into the chair on the other side of the bed. He doesn’t take his gaze off me.
I look away and settle my eyes on Amanda lying on the bed between us. “How long have you known?” I asked Jake, avoiding his question.
“Not so long ago,” he answered after a moment’s hesitation. “About two months after she was diagnosed.”
“I asked how long, not since when,” I retorted with a sharp edge.
“Almost three months,” he answered finally. “She’s been ill for almost half a year.”
“Three months?” I repeated with disbelieve. “I only found out yesterday and that was after I read this letter where she told me how much she hates me!”
“She wanted to tell you,” he replied quietly. “And she never hated you. Ever.”
“Really?” I said with as much sarcasm as I could pack into two syllabus. “What happened? She didn’t have time to tell me she was slowly dying? If she doesn’t hate me then explain this letter!” I was burning with anger.
“She wanted to tell you,” he repeated, “It was you who wouldn’t listen. You close your eyes to anything unpleasant. She tried. Then she realized you didn’t want to know so she made us all promise not to tell. She still wanted to tell you herself.”
His words, although said gently, struck me like a hammer. A faint memory played. There was once when she had said she had something to tell me and from the way she blabbered on, I could tell it wasn’t something good as I had said I didn’t want to know.
“She could never hate you. She cares about you so much. That letter – she’s not trying to criticize you or get an apology. She just kept it to herself for too long. She loves you even more than she does, did, or ever will love me.”
I recognized the pain and heartache in his voice immediately. We all know Jake loves her but she would never let anything happen between them.
“She often said to me,” I began slowly, “that the worst part about being in love was that she loves you more than you will ever realize.”
I offer him a small smile; my peace offering. He looked at her and returned my smile. “She’ll get better.” I said, trying my best to be optimistic.
Jake nodded his head. “Of course. It’s just like her too.”

Untitled Love Story (Story+Poem)[Short]

2007-09-29T11:38:00.000+08:00

She stared at the bright but blank screen of her laptop. The brightness seemed to pulse as if it was, in its own way, making fun of her. Frustrated, she typed some nonsensical gibberish. Seeing something on the screen seemed to make her feel better but nonsense is nonsense. With a sigh, she pressed the backspace button until the screen was blank again.
She propped elbows on the table and rested her head on her palms. ‘Writer’s block is a bitch,’ she thought darkly and pushed herself away from her table. She crossed her arms and stared at the screen again.
She bit her lip and wheeled her chair back to the table. She inhaled and drummed her fingers on the keyboard surface. Love. She typed. ‘Alright. Let’s try thinking of other words,’ she thought and stared at the solitary word. Pain. Confusion. Triangle. Hurt. Undying affection. Lack of feelings. You. Me. Him. Us… Tears. Dedication. Promises.
‘How do I compile these words into a work of art?’ she asked herself. She shrugged, hit the enter key and bent over the keyboard.

He told me he cared about me,
Professed his undying affection,
He told me
He was in love with me,
But his words only caused confusion,
How do I tell him?
The one who wishes to be my knight in shining armor,
That to me
He is a boy in tin foil,
When life gives you lemons
Make lemonade,
When life gives you a boy in love
What do you make of it?
His sweet words only pierce my heart,
How can I hurt him?
They tells me to give him a chance
But I can’t seem to bring myself to do it
He reminds me of the things I’ve learned to avoid
How do I push him away?
How do I not break his heart?

The one I really want
Is furthest from my reach,
He has no idea
how I feel about him,
how I always dream about him,
how I always think about him,
He has no idea
he makes me forget what I’m saying,
He makes
me lose my breath,
my knees go weak,
my heart go wild,
When will I learn
He’s in love with someone else…

She stares at the words and exhales. For once, her mind feels clear. She still didn’t know exactly how she felt about that two people that seemed to dominate her thoughts lately, but at least she felt better. With a smile, she got up and, without doing anything else, walks out of the room and the house to finally enjoy the sunshine that she could not seem to feel before.